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The most beautiful things in this world are ever-changing. Sunsets shift. Water moves. Friendships breathe and evolve. But sometimes our friendships and communities ask for things we're never prepared for.
Most people don't wake up thinking today is the day everything changes. If you got a call or text from someone you love, and you're trying to show up for something neither of you saw coming this is for you.
As a clinician and someone who has received that call and sent that text, I want to offer a few words of support. Here's what I've learned matters most in those first two to three months.
First, don't forget about yourself.
Find your own way to navigate whatever you've lost in the midst of this. Your grief or shock or confusion might look different from theirs, but it doesn't make it any less real. It's not your job to fix what's happening, but it is your job to find someone or somewhere to let your own emotions land. Don't stuff your reaction to make room for theirs. You can't pour from an empty cup, and you can't be steady for someone else if you're drowning too. Give yourself permission to feel.
Second, know that you are a trusted source.
People don't reach out to just anyone when everything breaks. They reach for the people they know in the depths of their hearts that they can rely on. Don't doubt the presence your person is asking for. The fact that they reached out to you means something. Trust that.
Third, let go of the pressure to have the right words.
More often than not, it's not what you say it's the presence you bring. When everything falls apart, people are looking for what we call stabilizing agents: people who help them find the ground again. They probably just want to be around you. Your steady presence is enough.
Fourth, offer a menu instead of open-ended questions.
When someone is in this state, open-ended questions with no real guidance can feel sometimes feel paralyzing. Instead of "How are you doing?" try "How's it feeling right now? Is it option A, option B, or option C?" Give them language to work with. Once they latch onto a word or a feeling, they can build from there.
Fifth, check in on the basics.
If the above feels like too much, start with Maslow. How was their sleep? Are they hungry? Tired? Do they feel unsafe right now? You're not responsible for fixing these things but knowing them matters. And sometimes the answer is simple: order takeout. Make them a sandwich. The goal is for your friend to feel seen by you to know that even though you can't feel what they're feeling, you're aware and you're with them.
Sixth, let them lead on what they want to talk about. Know that nothing is off the table.
If they want to talk and work through their feelings and next steps, follow their energy, walk with them, and be authentic in how you might feel in their shoes. It's okay to not know it perfectly, but remember: if they called you, you likely have history. Trust that.
If you sense they're ready and want to talk, trust that they're probably already thinking about the hard questions—the reality of what life will look like post-this. Ask them. Don't dance around it.
Sometimes, if I'm nervous to ask a friend something because of how it might be received, sometimes I throw up a disclaimer and say something like: "Look, by no means am I trying to force something on you, so you have 100% authority to ignore, deflect, or just flat out change the subject, but have you thought about X?"
If faith or spirituality matters to you both, don't be afraid to bring it in. Questions like "Where's your head at with all this spiritually?" can be surprisingly grounding. Keep it open-ended here. Understand that right now, there's no "wrong way" to feel, not about what happened, and not about God or the universe or faith or any of it. You don't have to have the answers. Neither do they. Sometimes you just echo back what they're saying and remind them that all of it is allowed. Trust that whatever is coming up for them will find its way to an answer, that's not your job to provide. Your job is to listen and be present, not to fix.
You don't have to have it all figured out. Neither do they. You just have to show up, stay steady, and trust that your presence is enough.
Your friend,
Lisa